Still Lost in Maya

Brajananda Pandit das

 I'm a 21 year old that was blessed enough to be born in a devotional household. My early years were wonderful, I was constantly surrounded by devotees and practically lived in the temple. I had no idea that when I got a little older, material life would have such a strong hold on me. I lived in Cleveland with my mom and two sisters and it was always hard for us. We didn't have much money but always seemed to have exactly what we needed as far as food and clothing. My dad had a serious problem with drugs so I only have vague memories of him in my younger years. Mata always provided for us through the mercy of the Lord and we were blessed with a new father figure to help hold the family together. Of course we had our ups and downs but that’s typical of any family new or old. My sisters and I were very close and we stayed in mischief, it was either outside influence from our karmi friends or just natural instinct but we were getting chastised daily. As a young man my moms [Editor’s note: "moms" is Brajananda’s affectionate term for his mother] thought it wise to send me to gurukula to further my spiritual advancement. My gurukula years were some of the best years of my life, but back then I thought they were the worst because I was separated from my immediate family.

When I finally got back to Cleveland I was so happy to be able to see my moms and sisters that I didn’t know what to do. I still enjoyed Saturday morning cartoons, playing with toys, and eating all kinds of chocolate bars - after all I was still a kid. School was still important in my life and there were no Krsna conscious schools in Cleveland, so I went off to public school. That’s when material life caught hold of me. I'm the type of person who loves to keep his friends happy, however, sometimes I'd take it to the extremes and be in deep trouble. Countless times I was chastised for all the bad habits I was picking up from my friends that didn't know Krsna. I was falling and taking them with me, funny because I was suppose to be elevating them with my knowledge of God. Occasionally, I'd try to preach to them but they'd just laugh seeing that I was no better than they were since I was doing the opposite of what I was preaching. The one thing I did do was make sure all my friends had a chance to see Krsna and taste the Maha Prasadam that moms would prepare and offer to the deities daily.

As I got older, I started to question my faith since my friends were mostly Christian and Muslim and they thought of me as an idol worshiper. Curiosity led me into other religious scriptures such as the Bible and the Quran, and the more I read into them the more I realized they were all basically preaching the same thing: live for the Lord. Me being the fool I was and still am had other plans though. Don't get me wrong, I still love Krsna, but I still have the urge to enjoy. Being that I’m older now my desires went from candy and toys to women and money - well not exactly money but the things money can get me. I now have a beautiful son, unfortunately his mother and I are no longer together. I wonder if he will be as fortunate as me and find Krsna to be the most merciful of all. One day when he's a little older and his mother and I are on better terms I can take him to meet his Lord at one of the many temples around the world. I find myself still wrapped in Maya's veil of ignorance and sense enjoyment. Maybe that’s why I can't seem to stay out of trouble. But Krsna’s always in my heart and mind and He always makes a way for me to come to Him. Hopefully one day I'll be looking back at these days saying "that's when I was really in Maya" and be able to smile because I’d be a pure devotee of Lord Krsna. Right now all I can think about is when I will finally get stable enough to have my own apartment, my new sports car, and my super model wife. But something tells me that even if I achieve all these things, I still won't be happy. But you know Braja - he's so hard headed he has to learn everything the hard way. Well for some unfortunate souls like myself that’s the only way to learn. I'm still trying to introduce everyone I befriend to Krsna and they are always interested in learning more, so maybe one day when I'm advanced enough to preach I'll have a whole generation of hard heads like myself on their way to becoming devotees of our merciful Lord Krsna. I just hope that I'm not pulled further into Maya by procrastinating and then losing my soul as well. All I can do is continue to chant, try my best, and put my worries and dreams before the Lord.